


Drabbles And A Little Bit Of Chocolate

by ReaderMagnifique



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Multi, One Shot, One Shot Collection
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 18:38:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7652353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReaderMagnifique/pseuds/ReaderMagnifique
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of one shots with no connection to each other. Some are fun, some are sad, some are sweet. The same series can be found under the same name on ff.net, as I hold an account under the same pen name there too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Little Tipsy

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old piece of writing, one from my high school days. It’s not my best bit of writing, but it’s pretty entertaining anyway.

Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain stood side by side facing a female assassin named Celia Haze. She had cold eyes; a very dark grey colour, and her sleek sheet of burgundy hair was blowing in the wind behind her. She wore a strapless, tight fitting top that matched the colour of her hair perfectly, underneath a knee length, pitch black coat that was open and tailored to fit her body. Her skin-tight trousers were also black. She had killed eighteen people in the time she had been an assassin – six months.

“You can’t escape us, you do know that don’t you?” Said Valkyrie in a bored voice.

“Oh, I think I can.” Hissed Haze.

“Yup, that’s what all the others said. Where are they now Skulduggery?”

“I think there in the gaol.” He replied in a mocking tone.

“So, can you see now why the odds are stacked against you?” Haze paused a moment, as if thinking.

“No, I have an inkling that I’m better than the rabble. I don't see the pair of you as much more than a mindless distraction!” 

And with that, the deadly female launched herself at Skulduggery. He dodged her furious attack easily, and swung her legs from under her. Valkyrie charged and as Haze rolled onto her back, the seventeen year old launched herself into the air and landed squarely on the older woman’s jaw. Haze screeched in agony, and threw herself to her feet, knocking Valkyrie to the floor. Skulduggery pushed at the air, and Haze was thrown back into a brick wall. She staggered forward, glared at the skeleton, and stretched her hand out to Valkyrie. A burgundy coloured mist formed around it. It started to drift, slowly and lazily, towards the dark haired girl who was picking herself up off the ground. 

Skulduggery jumped in front of the mist without hesitation. It curled around his skeletal form, and was sucked into his Skull anywhere it could find an opening. Valkyrie stood up and turned around just in time to see the last few wisps enter Skulduggery. She snarled and sent a sharpened shadow at Haze’s arm. It hit dead on target and Haze dropped to her knees in pain. Valkyrie strode over, clasped handcuffs on and threw her against a wall. Celia Haze slumped down to the floor, unconscious. Valkyrie ran to the skeleton curled up on the gravel and turned him onto his back.

“Skulduggery, come on, you have to get up. We need to take her to the sanctuary and I can’t drive!” She shook his shoulders, and he groaned. She pulled him to his feet and he stumbled a little. “Are you okay?” She asked, worried.

“Yes!” said Skulduggery “I don’t recall ever being met with you before, so allow me to introduct myself; Skilldiggery Unpleasant, at your service!” She stared at him.

“What are you on about?” She asked incredulously “Your acting like your…” She tailed off, realising something. She stomped over to Haze, and slapped her face. Haze woke up and groaned.

“What’s going on? Oh, it’s you!” She said noticing Valkyrie. “What do you want?”

“What have you done to Skulduggery?” She growled, gesturing to the skeleton who was bending over, looking at an ant’s nest.

“Well, I have an exquisite power which produces a beautiful, burgundy mist. Developing this skill also developed my wonderful hair colour. If I aim it at someone, they are knocked unconscious. Due to your friend’s deformity, it appears to have had an alternative effect, that of a binge drinking session.”

“You mean you basically got him drunk!” The assassin looked Skulduggery up and down – who was now talking to the ants - and wrinkled her nose slightly.

“As a skunk!”


	2. The pianist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valkyrie is bored and irritated. She's been left behind on a case that promises lots of punching bad guys. So she does the one thing she's been told not to do. She breaks into Skulduggery's attic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another from my ancient back catalogue; This story was just something I wrote quickly in my spare time, leading up from many stories I have read in which Skulduggery plays the piano. I thought it would be much more fun to stage a little bit of light comedy around one.

Valkyrie Cain was exploring Skulduggery’s attic. It was an activity she was expressly forbidden to do, but she was bored, and ever-so-slightly irritated. Skulduggery had left her in his house on her own, as he went off to solve a case. His reasoning behind it was that she needed a good night’s sleep; she, however, knew that it was a case that promised to be full of beating up suspects. As she climbed up the ladder and through the open hatch, she reached out carelessly for a light. Finding it, however seemed to be a different matter.

“Damn it!” She growled. She had just started to head back down the ladder for a torch, when she remembered. “For goodness sake, Valkyrie!” She clicked her fingers with an angry flick of her wrists, and produced a small fireball. She used her other hand to swing herself into the attic, and landed lightly on the floorboards. She used her flame to survey her surroundings, and found a small string hanging from the ceiling – the light switch. She pulled it, and a lamp switched on, giving off a harsh yellow glow that lit the room around her. With the light above her illuminating her environment, she could fully appreciate the size of the loft. 

It was huge.

“You could hold a Requiem Ball in here, no problem.” She murmured in awe. The attic filled the same area as the house beneath it, and was filled with junk. However, after pulling up the ladder and closing the hatch behind her, Valkyrie had no problem clamouring over boxes and other ridiculous items that cluttered the room. She spent an afternoon peering into various piles, and basically working her way through the whole loft.

It was reaching midnight when she found the grand piano, although she had not realised this. A smooth, black, glorious instrument, with a velvet stool poking out from underneath it. Valkyrie approached it slowly, as if hypnotised. Her delicate fingers slid gently over the keys, not making a sound. The room seemed oddly quite. She pressed her fingers down onto a note. The ivories were perfectly tuned, and there didn’t seem to be a speck of dust; unlike everything else in the attic. She sat carefully on the velvet stool, almost as if it could break at any point. The piano seemed fragile and strong at the same time. Valkyrie played another note;

And the floor exploded as a fist coated in leather punched through.

Valkyrie couldn’t contain the surprised shriek that forced its way out of her. She flipped backwards off the stool, and dived behind the piano. She then clicked her fingers and formed a fireball in her hands. She stayed low behind the piano, refusing to make a sound, waiting for the right moment to throw her weapon at her intruder.

“What have you done with Valkyrie Cain!” Shouted the person at the other side of the piano vehemently. Valkyrie knew that voice. She popped her head around the instrument. With relief she saw Skulduggery Pleasant standing before her.

“Skulduggery?” She cried. The skeleton cocked his head to the side in astonishment.

“Valkyrie? What on earth are you doing up here? Didn’t I expressly forbid you from exploring the attic just this morning before I left?”

“I think the more fitting question is why on earth did you blow a hole in your ceiling?” She inquired indignantly. Skulduggery scoffed.

“Well, that is rich! We have only been spending the last three and a half hours organising search parties to look for you, when we heard my grand piano being played. Why did you go near my grand piano, out of curiosity? It is one of my most treasured possessions!” Valkyrie cringed slightly. She did not know that.

“Wait a minute; whose we?” She asked, in an effort to change the subject.

“Well, at a rough guess, I’d say around fifty cleavers, seventy five members of staff from the sanctuary, not to mention myself, Ghastly and Erskine -”

“I take it you kicked up a little bit of a fuss?” Smirked the eighteen year old. Skulduggery tilted his skull; he too was grinning good naturedly.

“Just a tad!”


	3. Ironic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How ironic that, after facing Gods and countless psychopaths with magic at their fingertips, it was a simple bullet that would finish her off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When one is feeling sad or angry, as I was when I wrote this a few years back, one should take the time to kill off a fictional character or two.

She fell gracefully, her body crumpling like taffeta as she fell to the ground with an almost inaudible gasp.

How ironic that, after facing Gods and countless psychopaths with magic at their fingertips, it was a simple bullet that would finish her off.

Her long distance vision reduced to blurs, she could just make out something swiftly coming closer. A figure. It wore a blue suit. A Skeleton. A name floated to the back of her mind. Skulduggery. She suddenly realised that she was crying, silent tears making a glittering path down her cheek.

Skulduggery dropped to his knees beside her, and cradled her in his lap.

“You’ll be okay.” He murmured, “You’ve survived worse, you’ll be okay.”

“I think we both know that isn’t going to happen.” Muttered Valkyrie through gritted teeth.

“You can’t die on me now! You promised. Until the end, remember?” His breathing shook and he was panicking. “You’re my partner, my best friend, my little sister. You can’t die.” Valkyrie didn’t reply. Skulduggery became more and more desperate, turning his head and shouting for help. He turned back to her, and with trembling fingers, he brushed a strand of raven hair from her face. “You can’t die,” He whispered softly, “I won’t let you.”

“You probably won’t have a choice,” Sighed Valkyrie. Her grip on life grew weaker by the second, and she knew she didn’t have much time left. “You have to let go.”

“I can’t! You have to carry on! You have so much left to give!” He cried. Valkyrie’s deep brown eyes looked up into his skeletal sockets.

“Not anymore.”


	4. Bottoms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She decided in that moment, that the rather odd topic of ‘bottoms’ was never to be broached again. The issue of arses of any kind should clearly never be mentioned in casual conversation; especially with Skulduggery. It had been one of those discussions that, no matter how hard she tried, would never leave her poor innocent mind. It would be there for the rest of her existence. She was most definitely scarred for life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written a year ago, so the writing style is much more up to date and in tune with how I write now. This is a much lighter story, and it came about that I was sat exactly like Valkyrie is sitting here, and my arse hurt, and this story was born.

She decided in that moment, that the rather odd topic of ‘bottoms’ was never to be broached again. The issue of arses of any kind should clearly never be mentioned in casual conversation; especially with Skulduggery. It had been one of those discussions that, no matter how hard she tried, would never leave her poor innocent mind. It would be there for the rest of her existence. She was most definitely scarred for life.

“Bums are really weird, don’t you think?” She was bored. They were on a stakeout. She had been sat in the same position for far too long, and her own bum was hurting. Was it any wonder that was the first topic of conversation to enter her head? Apparently so, from the way Skulduggery’s skull had turned oh so very slowly towards her, and his head had tilted at that angle which clearly said ‘what on earth did you just say?’

“I must say that I’ve never had much need to think about it, Valkyrie.” She studied him intently.

“Think about it.”

“How about... no.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s not a topic for polite conversation.”

“This isn’t the setting for polite conversation either.”

“True. You’re here, for one.”

“Hey!”

“You spend your life hanging around an impeccably dressed skeleton and you have an unhealthy affinity for hitting things.”

“And I learnt said unhealthy affinity for hitting things from said impeccably dressed skeleton. So by the same standard you aren’t polite company either.”

“My dress sense disagrees with you.”

“Your dress sense happens to be a part of you, therefore it is you who’s disagreeing with me and you can’t comment because you’re biased.”

“Not true. My dress sense is so smart I wouldn’t be surprised if it had a mind of its own.”

“Could other parts of you have a mind of their own?”

“I hope not.”

“Could a part of your anatomy have a mind of its own?”

“Where are you going with this?”

“Could, for example, your arse have a mind of its own?”

“Again with the bottoms. You have an unhealthy obsession with bottoms, and you can’t say you get that one from me.”

And before she can stop herself she lets out a giggle. It is so very unlike her - so girly! - and she ends up giggling more. The more she attempts to stop these horrific sounds from escaping her mouth – she is certainly not girly! – the more they bubble forth.

“I’m glad you find this so amusing, Valkyrie!” sighed the Skeleton. Her twittering finally subsided enough to speak, if only a little.

“Yes, bums are incredibly weird. They’re just there, you know, and there really is no point to them–”

“Actually, they are there to protect your coccyx–”

“Shush, you! And they do a crap job of it! I’ve been sat here, quite normally–”

“You’ve been slouching in your seat with your knees resting against my dashboard, actually–”

“I said shush! I have been sat here quite normally and now my coccyx is killing me. And that is just from sitting down–”

“In a very peculiar fashion, you must admit–”

“Shoooooooosh! As I was saying, that’s just from sitting down. But isn’t it just the most painful thing in the world when you fall on it. I mean oww! Does it not hurt ten times more for you, as a skeleton?”

“Well–”

“Actually, how are you even sat down? I mean, you literally have nothing to sit on, how are you even doing that?”

“Look who’s talking!”

“What do you mean?”

“My dear combat accessory, it must be said that you do not have a bottom to speak of.”

“What?”

“Look. There is almost nothing there. In fact, I would go so far as to say there really is nothing there. It’s quite clear to me that your arse is well and truly flat. You have no arse.”

“What are you talking about? I may not have the best bum in the world, but there is one there, you git.”

“I’m telling you there isn’t.”

“How would you know anyway? Have you been looking?”

“Don’t be crude.”

“That’s not a no.”

“This really is a stupid topic of conversation.”

“You’re still not denying it.”

“Really quite juvenile, actually.”

“You’ve been looking at my bum!”

“Don’t be silly. What interest would I have in your bottom.”

“You tell me.”

“I have no interest in your bottom, really.”

“Fine, fine.” There was a long silence. “Skulduggery, what kind of arse do you like?”

“Oh good grief are you still talking about this?”

“Yes, yes I am.”

“You really do have an unhealthy obsession with this.”

“Look it’s a simple question. Some guys like big round bums, some like tiny bums. It’s all just personal preference, just like some girls like tall men, and some like short men. So the question is, what kind of arse do you like on a girl?”

“Really, I’m not interested in continuing this conversation.”

“Well I am. Humour me. It’s a simple question.” Skulduggery turned to face his partner, who smiled back innocently, while trying not to laugh.

“Valkyrie. Unless you stop plaguing me with this infernal nonsense about bottoms and the like–”

“And what you like in a bottom.” Added the girl.

“Enough, Valkyrie. One more word on the subject and I will be forced to tie you from your ankles to that particular three storey office over there, and continue with this case by myself.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Trust me, I would.”

“We’ve been at this case for weeks. I’ve done the paperwork, without moaning about the lack of hitting things–”

“Really?”

“Without moaning much about the lack of hitting things–”

“Are you sure?”

“Okay, I’ve done the paperwork at least! And now we get to hit things, you aren’t going to take that away from me.”

“No I won’t.”

“Thank you.”

“So long as you move on to a different topic of conversation right this instance.” There was a long silence. It was quite blissful actually, and lasted a good seven minutes. Skulduggery counted.

“So do you like big butts and you cannot lie?”

 

* * *

 

 

After the bad guys had been successfully beaten up and thrown into the back of the Bentley, Skulduggery quietly broke into the silent office building, slowly made his way up to the roof, and looked down at the thick rope that disappeared quite suddenly just over the edge of the roof. He used the air around him to pull the invisible matter up to lie on the roof next to him, then reached down and twisted the cloaking sphere. A very disgruntled, red faced Valkyrie faced him, feet tied to the rope by her ankles, hands tied by the wrist to the sides of her belt, and a cloaking sphere tied to her chest.

“I could have had a stroke.”

“You could.”

“I could have gone blind.”

“Quite true.”

“And I missed out on hitting things.”

“I’m sorry for your loss. Now are you ready to shut up, or do you need to go in timeout for longer.”


End file.
